Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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