Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize