how can u be prego again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
