I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
