Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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