Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
