I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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