I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
