I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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