Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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