got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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