im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
