the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
