One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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