last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
