as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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