i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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