She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
