It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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