I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
