It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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