I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
