I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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