if i can run in heels then i can drive
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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