things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You are a genius and a whore.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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