as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
