I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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