Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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