Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just googled if crying burns calories
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Randomize
