It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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