ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
