Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
