the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
