When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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