I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
