I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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