you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
