He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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