dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
