in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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