I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
