It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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