community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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