You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
