I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
