I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
