Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
