it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
