so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
