I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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