yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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