shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
