im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
