I must be too annoying 4 u.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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