I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
