I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
