go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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