there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
